Life is strange at times. Awkward, tough, difficult, awesome, great, good. Just a few words often used to describe it. Today started off alright. I felt a bit better, hoping that my newish anti-depressant was beginning to work..The whole week was better. I was cautiously optimistic.

My husband Roberto has a serious medical condition called Hereditary Haemorrhagic Telangiactesia, or HHT.

He has AVM’s as well. Malformed arteries, veins and capillaries in his head. So he has arteries connected directly to capillaries instead of through veins first and  can have frequent nosebleeds. Fortunately most of them stop on their own.

Sometimes,though it can be an arterial bleed and they can be so bad, that he collapses and has to be taken to hospital by ambulance. I have nothing but praise for the paramedics.

These arterial bleeds  have happened at least once a year since 2009. In 2014 it happened twice. The second time he nearly bled out in A&E but the wonderful staff in the Southern General Hospital – now the brand new Queen Elizabeth University Hospital – were able to save him.

Four units of whole blood, four units of plasma, four units of saline solution. The veins in his arms had collapsed so they had to put the units into a special pressure machine which basically pushed the blood and plasma into the veins. Scary, scary.

His condition has no cure at the moment. There are people all over the world who have varying forms of this disease. Roberto’s father, grandfather, aunts and uncles had it. His sister, two of three nieces and great nephew who is four years old, have it. They live in Canberra, Australia.

Scientists have identified the faulty gene, but that’s all so far. There is no cure yet. In the U.S., there are lots of family support groups and research going on. The UK is poorly served by comparison. There is a Facebook group, HHT.co.UK. but no family support groups yet in Scotland.

This morning, at breakfast, Roberto’s nose was trying to bleed. It didn’t come to anything but I could feel myself beginning to get anxious. He rested for a while and it seemed to be ok.  At lunchtime it happened again. Once again nothing came of it. By that time, my anxiety had got worse. All the old fears and what ifs, reared their ugly heads again. I wasn’t coping at all well.  I’d just like the antidepressant to really start working and help me cope better. It’s very hard to deal with just now.

I had my appointment with Colin yesterday. He advised me to try to live one day at a time. If that was proving too much then break the day down into more manageable bits. I know he’s right, but it can be so hard at times. I have another appointment with him next Friday.

When my dad died in 1970, it was an American tv show which helped me to cope just a little bit. Sounds far fetched, yep, but Mr Spock helped.

“It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.”  Mr Spock.   “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.”  Dr Leonard McCoy.

I’ve never actually met Mr Spock, Captain Kirk, Dr McCoy, or any other crew person from the USS Enterprise, NCC 1701.

Because they’re not real people, just fictional characters created by the American TV writer Gene Roddenberry. I hear people say.

Oh, but they are real people. Very real. To me. They live on in my mind, still today, in  my imagination, they always will.

One Saturday evening in July 1969. BBC 1. First episode of a new American tv series. Black and white tv. Didn’t get a colour tv set until 1976. Colour tv’s were very expensive to buy, so most people rented them. It wasn’t until I saw colour photos of the ship and crew that I realized the uniforms were different colours according to departments. Gold, for command. Blue for science and Medical. Red for engineering and a kind of pinky-reddish colour for communications. Awesome.

“Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise. It’s five-year mission – to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations – to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

The first words spoken on-screen, [complete with split infinitive ] by Captain James T Kirk.

Mr Spock was the character I seemed to be drawn to, identify with. He was struggling to cope on a ship full of humans. He was half-human, but identified more with his father’s home planet of Vulcan. He had his demons to fight too. He didn’t let that stop him from living his life on board a starship as first officer.

He gave me a glimmer of hope, that it was ok to have struggles, difficulties but try to do the best you could. It didn’t always work for me, but I tried my best. That’s all anyone, even Mr Spock, can do.

Live long and prosper.